


Mascara

by thuvia ptarth (thuviaptarth)



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-06-21
Updated: 2002-06-21
Packaged: 2017-10-03 19:24:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thuviaptarth/pseuds/thuvia%20ptarth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jonathan, post-finale (S6).</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mascara

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by Christina Kaminkar's far superior [Rosencrantz and Guildenstern in Mazatlan](http://www.enteract.com/~perridox/SunS/fanfic/christina/mazatlan.html).

The thing is, the really terrible thing is, Jonathan's not sure he can remember what Willow's girlfriend actually looked like. She was pretty, and had honey-blonde hair, and was so shy she could hardly look at anyone straight, even him. But he can't remember what her face looked like, or what color her eyes were, or how she smiled--she smiled a lot, he remembers that, they were in this in Art History discussion section together and she'd smile at other students kindly when they sounded nervous and happily when they'd said something smart, and when the teacher complimented her she'd blush bright red. She was just--nice. He remembers that. She was nice.

He wishes he could remember what she looked like.

He remembers what Katrina looked like. He remembers exactly what Katrina looked like. Sometimes when he looks at the mirror, he thinks he's seeing her face, shocked and hurt and lost, mascara melting like tears, and then he remembers he never saw that expression on her face, just on his.

_You bunch of little boys playing at being men!_

I'm sorry, he whispered to her in the forest. He'd have stroked back her hair, but it would have been another violation, and they were leaving her body tumbled on the ground like trash anyway.

He doesn't know how he'd convinced himself it wasn't rape. It seems kind of obvious now.

He never meant to hurt anyone. Two years ago, with his spell broken in some way he can't quite recall anymore, his friends drifting off with vague excuses and looks of faint, confused distrust, he'd been able to convince himself that that mattered. He'd even been resentful, angry that he'd made this great sacrifice (he couldn't remember it, but he knew he'd made some great sacrifice) and no one appreciated it.

Sometimes he's not sure what Willow meant to do to him and Andrew was wrong. But he's still not going back.


End file.
